


The One Where Chandler Destroys Life

by jademark



Series: Given Prompts [2]
Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: Crack, Food mention, Paleontology, Starbucks, The Princess Bride - Freeform, Used Tampons, unemployment, zumba mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22143523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jademark/pseuds/jademark
Summary: "Ross finds Joey a job at Starbucks, but Chandler already got every job in the world at the same time, putting everybody in America out of business which makes Monica nearly shed one tear of anger when Monica marries Rachel's ex, Zumba and Rachel takes her revenge by shooting used tampons out of a cannon"
Series: Given Prompts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1599073





	The One Where Chandler Destroys Life

**Author's Note:**

> My sister gave me this prompt despite not having watched any episodes of Friends or being familiar with the characters. Enjoy.

"Hey, Joey, what’s wrong?" Ross said, approaching a downcast Joey sitting at Central Perk with an untouched muffin next to him. 

"I didn’t get the part," he said. "At this point, I don’t know why I’m trying so hard. Maybe I should just quit acting."

"Hey! Don’t say that," Ross said, taking a seat. "Every actor goes through this. Even the best and most talented ones deal with rejection from time to time. I can promise you that. But hey, if you’re looking for a day job to help you out in the meantime, I know someone at Starbucks who may be able to help get you in."

Joey’s face lit up. "You really mean that? Thank you."

"Sure, buddy!"

"Maybe now I can pay my electricity bill."

"Well, we can go over to Starbucks now if you’re ready to submit an application. I’ll show you the location where Susie’s working."

"Okay!"

When Joey and Ross reached the Starbucks, Ross was shocked to find that the only employee behind the counter was Chandler in a Starbucks uniform.

"Chandler? What are you doing here?" Ross asked. "And where’s everybody else?"

"Uh, Ross, I’m a little busy here," Chandler gave him a quick smile. "But, short story is I work here now."

"But what happened to your other job? Is everything okay?"

"Well, I’m a little busier than usual but never been better," he said, rapidly pouring milk into a cup of coffee.

"Okay, uh, is Susie here?" Ross said, as Joey looked a female customer up and down.

"Uh, Susie actually doesn’t work here anymore. Grande iced macchiato for Josh!" Chandler set the drink down on the counter.

"What?" Ross asked.

"Yeah… She left. I took her job."

"Huh. Okay, well, I heard Starbucks is hiring and Joey was looking for a new day job. Could he get an application?"

"Sure," Chandler grunted, and reached down and pulled out a paper. "But I have to warn you, it's a tough job market."

"Huh, yeah," Ross said. "Joey, fill this out," he said to Joey who was busy talking to a girl in the ever-lengthening line.

"Aw, okay, hold on a second," said Joey, quickly scribbling a number down on his arm. He sat down at a nearby table as Ross observed Chandler single handedly fulfilling everyone's Starbucks orders. "He would definitely need the help," Ross muttered.

Joey walked over and placed his application on the counter while Chandler set down some drinks, barely avoiding spilling it on himself. "Thanks," he said, taking the sheet. "I'll tell HR - me," he pointed to himself. Ross chuckled and he left with Joey. 

"Okay, want to try another location or apply at a different store?" Ross asked Joey once they were back outside.

"Nah, I actually have another audition coming up. But I'll be on the lookout to see whoever else is hiring. Thanks buddy!" Joey said. They waved as they parted ways.

"Hm, I'm holding office hours today... Even though no one really comes," Ross said to himself. "I'd better head over now."

As Ross made his way to the floor of the university building that held his office, he heard a familiar voice in one of the classrooms. The door was ajar and he peered inside. He saw Chandler giving a paleontology lecture. Ross snuck in and sat down at the back of the classroom. Once the lecture finished, he walked over.

"Chandler, I have to say, I'm really surprised to see you here," Ross said.

"Oh, well, why? Don't think I would make a good paleontologist?" Chandler chuckled.

"Well, no, it’s more like after all these years, you never told me you were studying paleontology."

"Well, this is pretty new for me but this is the new order," Chandler said. "Well, it's time for me to hold office hours."

"Uh..." Ross said. They both walked to Ross' office, where the plaque on the door now read, "Chandler Bing" instead of "Ross Geller".

"I... This is Room 386," Ross said, glancing around.

"Yeah?" Chandler said.

"I'm confused. Did they move my office without telling me?"

"No, it's more like I took your exact job," Chandler said.

Ross laughed, but then faltered as he saw that Chandler's expression didn't change. "What?"

"I took every job there is," Chandler said.

"But... What? You don't have my qualifications. You can't just come in and take my job and..." Ross noticed that every door had Chandler's name on it. "Everyone else's in the department, too! How can you even be in more than one place at once? You were just working at Starbucks!"

"Well, if the job market requires it, it can happen. Look... I was promoted to this status and I didn't really expect any of this either."

"I can't believe this," Ross said, rubbing his temples. "This shouldn't be allowed to happen. You can't just single handedly put everyone out of a job. You literally can't do that."

"Apparently, I can. Uh, I would say you should contact those higher up at my job but... Uh... That would be me now."

Ross walked away. He headed to the dean’s office on the other side of the floor, but when he knocked on the door, Chandler opened it.

"Okay! This is not funny! You need to fix whatever this is immediately! Am I going insane?" Ross shouted.

"No, you're not. I don't know what else to say, buddy. I'm sorry."

"You should be sorry! This is really selfish of you," Ross said before leaving.

Ross went to Monica and Rachel’s apartment and saw a dejected-looking Monica sitting at the table.

"I can't believe this," she said.

"He took your job, too?"

"Yes! It was my dream job and now Chandler has it! Having one job isn't enough, apparently! He just has to have all of them!"

"I don't even want to look at the news," Ross said, cradling his forehead in his hands. "It was surreal enough seeing Chandler everywhere I freaking looked."

"I'm so upset, I could shed one tear of anger," Monica said, pointing her index finger in the air.

"Okay," Ross said. "Well, I'm going to go meet with some of the other paleontologists, or ex-paleontologists I work with, and see what we can do about this."

Joey walked in. "Guys... I'm pretty bummed. I didn't get this other role either. Chandler was there and he told me that a guy named Chandler got the part. It was kind of weird."

"Chandler took every job," Monica said. "We're all in the same boat."

"Wait... So does that mean that I can't be an actor anymore?

"Yep, pretty much," Ross nodded, staring at the tablecloth.

"That's ridiculous," Joey said. "Yeah, Chandler also told me I didn't get the barista job either. What are we doing to do?"

"Well, for now, I'm going to get my mind off it. I've got a date," Monica said, getting up and grabbing her coat.

"Oh, I didn't know you were seeing someone," Ross said.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't planning on being very vocal about it," Monica replied. "I'm not exactly supposed to be doing this."

"What do you mean?" Joey asked.

"Don't tell anyone... It's Zumba."

"Not  _ that  _ Zumba, right?" Ross asked. 

"Ugh, you guys, just keep it secret for now. If Rachel finds out, she'll flip," Monica said.

"Come on, she's going to have it hard enough as it is hearing about the loss of her job," Joey said.

"Well, she doesn't have to if she doesn't find out," Monica said. "Okay? Guys... Please. I'll talk to her about it when it’s a better time."

"Okay," Ross sighed.

* * *

Monica arrived at a high-end restaurant and walked over to a man dressed like a Zumba instructor. "It's so great to see you again," Monica smiled.

"Do you have a reservation?" Chandler asked at the counter. Monica glared at him. Chandler looked down and scanned his sheet. "Okay, someone will be with you shortly."

"I'm so glad you were able to make it," Monica said to Zumba as Chandler showed them to their table.

"I am too, my love," Zumba said, holding her hand. "In fact... I think we've waited long enough. And I don't want our love to be a secret anymore."

He got down on one knee. "Monica, even if the world ends, even if our jobs never come back and I can't return to teaching Zumba, my favorite activity in the world, and you can't wow customers with your impressive cooking skills, your companionship alone would make everything alright again. I can live in a world without dance, but I cannot live in a world without you. Monica..." Zumba pulled out a Z-shaped box out of his pocket and opened it. "Will you marry me?"

Monica, choking back tears, shouted "Yes!"

People around them clapped as Monica threw her arms around Zumba and they kissed. 

* * *

A week later, Monica met with Phoebe and Rachel in Central Perk. Rachel, distracted by her new undercover job interview, failed to notice that Monica was jittery. 

"Oh drat, I've got to go," Rachel said, looking at her watch. "Guys, please wish me all the luck you have so that I don't get my... J-word taken if I get it. Okay?"

"We promise," said Monica, clasping the nervous Rachel's hand.

"I am sending positive vibes your way!" Phoebe said. Rachel rushed out the door.

“Monica, you okay? You seem kind of jittery,” Phoebe asked. 

"I’m, uh, stressed. Lots of weirdness going on,” Monica exhaled. “I mean, first of all, I never expected the whole... job thing with Chandler to happen."

"Eh, I'm not too shocked. I read it in my tarot cards," Phoebe said.

"Well, I'm going to need you to keep a secret for a little bit," she said. "And it's not going to be a long time, I promise."

"Sure, what is it?"

"I'm, um, getting married. Really soon. And it's to Zumba."

Phoebe gasped. "Not  _ that  _ Zumba!"

Monica nodded.

"You know that he and Rachel went through a really rocky breakup."

"I know, but... That was years ago, and well, we really have a special connection. I'm just not sure if Rachel will ever forgive me for it. It’s like I have to choose between him and her.” 

“Honestly, I don’t know if she’ll ever get past it.” 

“Well, I can’t not invite her to the wedding. So I’m going to tell her soon. I just have to find the right time.”

“Well, good luck with that,” Phoebe said, sipping her tea.

* * *

Monica entered the apartment later that evening to find Rachel on the sofa. She hung up her coat on the rack. “Hey! How was the interview?” 

“I think it went well! I’m trying to be optimistic, but I really need to get my mind off of it until I hear back from… The guy who unofficially asked me stuff.” 

Monica nodded.

“Hey, do you wanna watch a movie with me? It would be a nice throwback to the good old days when all the actors weren’t Chandler.”

“Sign me up,” Monica said, sitting on the sofa. Rachel went to the VHS collection and looked around. She craned her neck to make sure Rachel wasn’t messing up their specific order. 

“How does The Princess Bride sound? I haven’t seen that one in a while,” Rachel asked.

“Sounds good!” 

Rachel popped the VHS into the player. 

Monica watched Rachel sit down on the couch beside her, and then took the remote and paused the TV. “Um, before we continue, there’s something I want you to know, just so you’re aware,” she said.

“Sure, what is it?” Rachel asked.

“Uh, so I’m seeing someone now.”

“Great! Who?”    
“That’s the thing. Uh, it’s Zumba.”

Rachel’s smile dropped. “Oh.”

“I should have asked first. I know. I’m really sorry. I just figured enough time had passed, and well, it just happened so fast. We’re actually getting married soon, and I just figured you should hear it from me first.” 

“Oh. Okay,” Rachel said. “Well, that’s not what I expected. Huh,” she turned toward the TV. 

“You don’t have to pretend that it’s okay if it’s not. I completely understand,” Monica said. 

“Uh, you know what? I’d rather just not talk about it right now. Let’s just watch the movie,” Rachel said, taking the remote and pressing play.

* * *

Whether Rachel was particularly colder to Monica than usual following her confession, she didn’t know, as she spent most of her time planning her wedding, especially given the extra free time from the loss of her job. 

“I’m so glad I’ve saved enough to make this happen so soon,” Monica said to Joey. “But when I imagined my dream wedding, Rachel was by my side. I wanted her and Phoebe to be my bridesmaids, but Rachel and I are barely talking… We haven’t addressed it since I first told her, either.”

“Well, it’s kind of understandable when you think about how you’re hitching with her ex,” Joey said.

Rachel sighed. “Well, you’ll be able to make it, right? What about… Oh, I almost asked if Chandler was going to make it. That’s silly.” 

“Oh yeah! I look forward to seeing my buddy there.”

“You’re not upset at him for stealing your job?”

“Well, oh.”

* * *

It was the day of the wedding, and Rachel still had not RSVPd. Phoebe adjusted Monica’s dress as she stared at her own face in the mirror. 

“I should be happy, but it just doesn’t feel right. This is my big day, but I lost one of my closest friends.” Monica sighed. “I guess it’s not my call. I’ve got to live for myself, too.”

“Well, it’s never too late to apologize.”   
“I think it’s too late now,” Monica said. 

* * *

The doors opened to the ornate gymnasium, and Monica walked arm in arm with her father down the aisle as a dance remix of the marriage march played. Zumba stood at the front in his usual zumba outfit. Monica beamed as her dress trailed behind her. 

“We are gathered together this afternoon to share with Monica Geller and Zumba as they exchange vows of their everlasting love,” Chandler said. “Through their brief, but meaningful, time together, they have seen their love and understanding of each other grow and blossom and now they have decided to live out the rest of their lives as one. If anyone has an objection to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

_ Thunk. _

Monica, startled, patted down her dress and looked for the object that just hit her. She glanced down and screamed. 

Rachel rolled a miniature cannon up to the front. “I lied, Monica. I’m not okay with this” She fired another used tampon out of the cannon and Monica darted out of its way. 

“What the hell? Is this what I think it is?” Monica’s voice escalated in shrillness.

“What kind of friend are you? I would never do this to you. I would at least ask before marrying one of your exes! And Zumba, I have absolutely nothing to say to you.” 

“I’m sorry Rachel, really. You deserved to know way before that,” Monica said. “Please, just… Can we talk this out?”

“Yes, Rachel, maybe we can come to a resolution,” Zumba said. 

_ Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.  _

“No! My hair!” Monica yelled as Zumba expertly dodged the tampons. Ross looked at Rachel with disgust, and Joey watched with unconcealed awe. 

“I called it,” Phoebe turned to one of the bridesmaids. 


End file.
